Ok so what are two people in their mid-thirties, late thirties? Aw screw it, we are 37! Anyway, what are we doing traveling around the country in our Sprinter Van? Shouldn’t we be up to our eye balls in play dates and mom’s groups*? What went wrong or…what went right?!
Here is the synopsis for inquiring minds: After a few years, a lot of money and even more emotion, we are happily walking away from Operation Make a Baby. To say it was a journey to arrive at this place is an understatement, but we are grateful to be here. Fourteen months ago, after a miscarriage following a successful IVF cycle, all I wanted for us was peace. I didn’t know what that meant or what it would look like. Would we keep trying? Would we move? Would we travel? It didn’t matter – I just wanted peace and I was willing to take the time for it to happen. And, through an equally cerebral yet organic turn of events, we have peace.
In all my Googling on the subject of “fertility” and “life without kids” I tended to find two categories of people: Those who would stop at nothing to have a child and those who never wanted kids in the first place. What about the rest of us? The ones who thought we wanted children, but it didn’t work out and we are happy with that outcome?! It’s ok to be happy without children even if that was not the original vision, but no one talks about it. We are not heartbroken. We are not empty. It’s quite the opposite.
This blog is NOT going to be about how to cope with life after failed attempts at starting a family, but rather a focus on our life going forward. That’s it. Myself, Jon and our almost 3 yr old Boxer, Penny Love. While our peers define their days, years and dreams based on school vacations and developmental milestones*, we are challenged to create our own timeline. Too young to retire but too curious to simply go to work every day without really asking ourselves what we WANT to be doing with our time together. We don’t “have” to be doing anything. No one is depending on us. Therefore, we get to do what we want, but here’s a little secret…it’s not as easy as it sounds. In fact, it’s a little overwhelming to have this blank slate. Filling our days and our life in an obviously meaningful way is challenging in and of itself. However, the journeys in our van is a start. In the meantime, with a little help from our friends, we will spend the next year building our dream home on 4 wheels.
Go ahead, lean in and stare in to my soul. Ask me if I’m truly happy and fulfilled not having a child. I will lean back at you and stare equally as deep and say YES. It’s possible, it’s true and it’s where Jon and I are right now. It’s peaceful, exciting, motivating and challenging. Our fertility journey, along with a few other impactful life experiences you may learn about, has taught us that things really do happen for a reason. We don’t accept that fact with a light or complacent attitude. We are not robots. We are not religious. It’s easy for us to lose sight of our mantra especially during tough times, but it’s the one theme that doesn’t go away so it’s where we hang our hats. It gives us peace.
Now, on with this life we have built together. On with filling the pages with our own desires and visions, both apart and together. It’s not as easy as it sounds, but we can’t wait to try and have a little fun along the way.
* No offense to our friends & families with children. This is is just where we are.